I type this out from the Singapore airport. Successful trip – visited colleges, met people, spent time with Anand, and watched Iniya enjoy herself. It felt good. Did this trip of joy close out the wounds of the past? Singapore – I could never think of that place without feeling like a failure. The sense of inadequacy of not being able to succeed when I lived there still bothers me.

The last time I came here was also not great. I came for studies, fell sick, and dealt with loss. Beyond loss, I had to be try to fix things I had no control over. I couldn’t believe the mess it was. I came back feeling the Singapore jinx. The scars still hurt

12+ years later, this trip I was scared. I wasn’t sure if I could manage it. But it has been good so far. I created memories. I enjoyed the joys of the place. I accepted things that I was never able to see when I lived there. I didn’t fail. Life then was different and I made the most of it. Financial burdens, young child, culture shock, health, job issues all played a role. I did my best. I tried to give Iniya the life she deserved and I think I was mostly successful.

Maybe I never failed. It was just not the right step for me. For us. It was worth the risk. It changed me. I can’t cling to the feeling of failure. Honestly, I don’t think it has gone away. It still lingers but I think it is time to put away that baggage. I have faced Singapore. Realized stuff. My feelings were valid. I understand that I really wanted Singapore to work for me in 2011 but life had other plans. Lot of great things happened because Singapore failed.

I faced my monsters. It still feels uneasy writing this. I am making space for that shame and sense of failure to feel seen and accepted. I am making space to heal, to feel, to journey along.

May 2026 be the year I focus on healing