How long is 10 years in terms of pain and loss? Does pain reduce in 10 years? Does pain taper down? Does it grow exponentially? Does it disappear? Does it play peek-a-boo? Does the feeling of being abandoned ever go away? I have often wondered it and today I think know the answers.

A decade sure is a long time. Many people say pain reduces and you remember the good parts with sadness.The pain of losing my grandfather 10 years ago remains. Still strong. I cannot still talk about him without tearing up.

Life has gone on – rather spectacularly. I know he would be happy, content and even proud to see me today. Do you know that nugget of information makes me double in pain? The pain is a physical ache. It makes me sick in my stomach. It makes me lightheaded. It makes me see double. It makes my eyes fill up with tears. It is raw. It makes me want to curl up into a ball and cry forever. It makes me feel defenseless. It remains.

I know better in these 10 years. I know the pain will remain and I will valiantly try yet again to remember the good parts. Try to remember the happiness and the togetherness. I will try to tell stories to my daughter and end up with tears blinding me and a lump in my throat. I will wonder how I will ever tell her the stories I want to tell.

Beyond the tears, the pain and the memories, there is this underlying feeling of abandonment. It has taken me 10 years to realize that the pain I feel is a manifest of abandonment. I have the greatest family. Eccentric as we are, we support each other with words and tears. I am grateful for that but why can I not let go the feeling of being abandoned?

9 years ago, one February afternoon as I got ready to head back to college, my grandfather shook my hands and wished me luck like always. I remember standing under the arbor of flowering vines my grandmother had nurtured through the years. The air thick and heavy on yet another hot Trichy day. I was scared. My grandfather was due for a medical checkup and surgery. I asked him yet again if I could stay. He shook his head and said “I will always be with you”. I left. It was the last time I saw my grandfather alive.

I spent one morning alone at home, talking to my grandfather under the blue Queensland skies. I told him about Queensland and wondered if he could see the beauty I was seeing.  I feel bad that I cannot share the experiences with him and that is when I write with a vengeance. I write to show my world to my grandfather who is not with me.

It is just words I have. Pathetic, simple words to pour out what I feel and I just stumble along. 10 years later.

I am still an abandoned child for all the love and affection the world gives me. The pain of missing someone never goes away. It just lies low and strikes back with a vengeance.

Today, I look up at the Chennai sky and just hope you kept up your word to be with me always. Like always I promise to be the best granddaughter.